39 Thoughts I Had While Watching Episode 5 of ‘All’s Fair’

I did not like Episode 4 of All’s Fair, which heaped far too much trauma upon my angel Niecy Nash-Betts, but this week, I worked to reset my annoyance about the sexual-assault tropes and approach Episode 5 of All’s Fair with an open and nonjudgmental mindset. Let’s dive in and see how I fared in that endeavor, shall we?

1. I love Sarah Paulson’s unenthused teen daughter.
2. I feel like Sarah should understand her kid not getting along with her peers, no? Since she’s not exactly Miss Congeniality herself?
3. How, exactly, does this tween know that “crystal meth is a hard road”?
4. Just the sight of mean private-school girls in uniform ignoring this child is giving me middle-school flashbacks.
5. Brooke Shields cameo, baby!
6. They’re really just rolling out basically every beautiful actress over 40 as a jilted ex-wife or soon-to-be ex-wife, huh?
7. This Alzheimer’s plotline is going to bum me out, I can tell.
8. “I don’t want to be responsible anymore.” Same!
9. Well, at least they’re not totally abandoning Emerald’s assault plotline after one episode, but I also…don’t want more of it.
10. Hey, it’s that girlie from House whose name I always forget!
11. Okay, I googled; it’s Jennifer Morrison.
12. “Fire me? Too late, bitch, I quit.” Iconic.
13. We really do need a moratorium on exes’ faces popping up as iPhone memories.
14. Are you listening to me, Tim Cook?
15. Naomi Watts’s bob is, once again, bobbin’.
16. I’m already stressed about this prenup.
17. Is Sarah perhaps getting some semblance of her groove back?
18. Sarah’s going to have to learn the same lesson I did: Guys don’t necessarily love it when you’re super-mean to them.
19. Could have lived without that Diddy freak-off joke, personally.
20. I do enjoy the sight of Sarah Paulson taking out a guy’s man-bun.
21. This sensual hair-wash goes crazy.
22. If a Ryan Murphy project doesn’t feature a Stevie Nicks song, then it’s not legitimate.
23. “Why are you being nice to me? Nobody is ever nice to me. What do you want?” LOL.
24. Okay, we are not seeing enough of Teyana Taylor, so I’m glad she’s onscreen now, even if only for this pregnancy storyline.
25. Do jaded LA tweens still enjoy Disneyland?
26. I mean, I certainly do, but I’m a washed East Coast 30-something.
27. Getting berated by your mother into writing a school admissions essay about her former cutting habit? Yikes. But…it would probably work?
28. This out-loud use of “unalived” is making me cringe and feel deeply for Gen Z.
29. Oh, hey, it’s Kim K!
30. Where’s she been hiding this whole episode?
31. “The nontraditional girl-gay family thing” actually sounds quite nice to me, as a gay girl.
32. Nobody delivers the line “boo-fucking-hoo” quite like Sarah Paulson.
33. Don’t do pink cocaine, kids!
34. Truly, only Sarah Paulson could humanize this insanely written character.
35. Hey, it’s Ed O’Neill as Glenn Close’s sick husband!
36. Glenn’s house is very spooky-chic, and I want it.
37. It’s sweeping-everything-off-the-table-in-anger time! Again!
38. Damn, an Olympic-level crashout from Close.
39. God, this show is so weird… and yet, I’m seated!