38 Thoughts I Had While Watching Episode 4 of ‘All’s Fair’

This review includes discussion of sexual assault.

I clocked in for my viewing of the fourth episode of All’s Fair expecting more of the pilot’s froth and ridiculousness—so you can imagine my surprise when I had to confront 40 minutes of Niecy Nash-Betts’s Emerald Greene dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault. In other words, not exactly a fun romp!

That said, I guess it brought some range to the show? Let’s dive in and examine (literally) every thought I had while watching Episode 4 of All’s Fair, shall we?

1. Should I get long, talon-like nails for my single era?
2. Wait, I’m so obsessed with Emerald’s caviar-shrimp-and-red-wine tableau.
3. Oh my God, it’s for a date night with…herself? Even more iconic.
4. Aw, I love how much her boys love her.
5. If I had three teenage sons, I would also need wine, shrimp, and caviar. Nightly.
6. Also, maybe an epidural? Like, daily, for 18 years? Not just for the births?
7. Once again, Liberty is in an extremely fab tan suit.
8. Kim really serving Kris here!
9. Singles party? Oh, Emerald, do you mean…a play party?
10. Well, that was a boring cold open, saved only by the grace and brilliance of Niecy Nash-Betts.
11. Kim Kardashian saying “This is giving” is certainly on someone’s gay bingo card.
12. I don’t have a good feeling about Emerald’s sons’ camping trip.
13. Then again, has any onscreen camping trip ever ended well?
14. Okay, it’s not a sex party, but Emerald is certainly serving sexy at it.
15. Is this show…going to be about legal stuff again at any point?
16. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely happy to just spend time in Emerald’s world, but I fear we’re quite literally losing the plot a little bit.
17. Oh, God, was Emerald roofied?
18. I don’t like this.
19. I really don’t like this.
20. Nash-Betts is such a great actress, but I want better for her than this sexual assault storyline.
21. Everyone who’s ever been harmed deserves Glenn Close in their corner, IMO.
22. Hey, it’s Jennifer Jason Leigh!
23. God, these flashbacks are so weird.
24. This lip color is really working on her.
25. I’m sorry, how much sexual assault is going to be crammed into this one episode?
26. And, yes, what just happened between this married couple onscreen is (at least attempted) assault!
27. “I think it’s time for the victimization of men to be recognized.” Oh, I’m laughing!
28. Allura’s leather beret is making it hard for me to focus on the gravity of this scene.
29. Aw, it’s the fancy widower guy Paula briefly likes in Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.
30. Aw, I love these empath teen boys.
31. Sarah Paulson absolutely gunning for a villain Emmy.
32. “Obese with child.” LOL. Unwilling LOL, but LOL.
33. “So, you know, go die or whatever.” LOL again.
34. Whoa, the guy who drugged Emerald is dead?
35. Oh, God, I feel like one of her sons did it.
36. Noooooo.
37. Specifically, the one without an alibi who the camera keeps lingering on.
38. Well, that was upsetting!