‘Euphoria’ Season 3: 68 Thoughts I Had About Episode 1

Look, am I a big Sam Levinson fan? Not really. (While we’re discussing him, let’s put some respect on the good name of The Idol’s Jocelyn and her certified bop “World Class Sinner/I’m a Freak”). Have I nevertheless been counting down the moments until the Season 3 premiere of his HBO series Euphoria? Indubitably.

Below, find quite literally every thought I had about Season 3, Episode 1 of Euphoria—puppy play and all:

1. Hey, it’s Zendaya! My extremely complicated friend from The Drama!
2. An indeterminate number of years have passed since high school, and Rue’s running drugs in Mexico.
3. These guys helping her get her car moving seem nice, at least!
4. Ah, the irresponsibly-driving-to-loud-music fist-pump. I know it well.
5. Car plus fence seems like…dangerous math, to me.
6. Diva, be careful!
7. Okay, she worked that out. Let’s hear it for women in STEM!
8. Who’s this polite child in a pinafore?
9. Raw milk mentioned!
10. Sorry…Rue’s posing as a college newspaper reporter writing about immigration at the border?
11. To stay with a trad Christian family?
12. What the hell, sure.
13. All these girls look like they’re wearing Batsheva.
14. “I’ve never been on the internet.”
15. Would that I could say the same, Daisy!
16. Clearly, Rue agrees with me.
17. This is all giving the movie Unpregnant…which stars Barbie Ferreira…whom I deeply miss on Euphoria. It’s all connected!
18. I’m scared of Laurie.
19. Oh, Rue.
20. I want better than “bodypacking” for you.
21. Hey, it’s Faye!
22. This is more gagging and vomiting than I strictly need to see on my TV, thanks.
23. Okay, I really hope this house has more than one spaghetti strainer.
24. “He wants to get into avocados.”
25. Hey, that was the church right by my house in Hollywood!
26. I love to live where the action is.
27. Rue putting on her lesbionic little cargo shorts and going to visit Lexi makes me so happy.
28. Lexi would have an AI rant locked and loaded.
29. God, I love that girl.
30. Although I do think she could stand to lighten up on the lip liner.
31. Ah, blue-haired pronoun-havers snapping their fingers in agreement…likely thing for Sam Levinson to excitedly skewer.
32. Cassie………………………
33. Bottega Boy Nate Jacobs is home, and the vibes are immediately rancid.
34. “I’m just creating content.”
35. Tea, Cassie.
36. When men complain about there being dishes in the sink, it’s like…are your hands broken?
37. “I am in the real world, making deals.” Oh, for sure.
38. “I’m the doggie” feels spiritually linked to Shoshanna from Girls saying “Obvi, we’re the ladies.”
39. I know it’s been mentioned before, but this being the second time this year that Jacob Elordi’s onscreen partner has engaged in puppy play is crazy stuff.
40. Not this Nate/Cassie wedding pitch dek!
41. Ice luges are expensive, it’s true.
42. Is OnlyFans making money from this name-check?
43. Okay, I am rabidly curious to hear what’s up with Jules.
44. Sugaring, eh?
45. MADDY!
46. The open shirt over a black bra…the tossed-off bon mots…Madigans, we are so back.
47. Oh, Lexi/Lisa, as an Emma who’s been called “Emily” one too many times, I see you.
48. Why would anyone ever subject themselves to the horrors of a treadmill desk?
49. “Stop pouting, you’re getting paid $50,000 to watch a movie” is very me recapping You, Me & Tuscany in the middle of a workday.
50. Vintage Euphoria moment: Rue doing step work with Ali in a diner.
51. Rue the Christian convert?
52. Again: what the hell, sure.
53. My dog does not like the sound of this other dog whimpering (although, strangely, he was fine with Cassie’s puppy play; guess it lacked verisimilitude!).
54. New girlfriend arc for Rue?
55. Or…sex trafficker arc for Rue?
56. Love to see our girl having fun with other girls!
57. This cowboy-hat-wearing guy does not, though, it appears.
58. Oh, okay, he’s not a pimp, he just owns strip clubs (I think).
59. And Rue’s going to be his protégé?
60. Kind of love this for her.
61. Hope she helps the dancers unionize!
62. God, the heat with which I hate Nate.
63. Cassie is so Megan Draper-coded for making her man spaghetti.
64. Not “I didn’t wait my entire life to have a ghetto wedding”…
65. I mean, definitely leave his ass, Cassie, but not necessarily for this reason.
66. This is such an accurate portrait of sociopathic, handsome white men who work in “real-estate development” in Southern California.
67. Oh, Christ, did this girl just OD?
68. Well, that was an episode of television. Can’t wait for next Sunday!