39 Thoughts I Had While Watching the ‘Heated Rivalry’ Finale

I love any excuse to make the Yuletide gay, and given my traditional Christmas rewatch of Todd Haynes’s 2015 film Carol was weeks ago at this point, I was thrilled to learn that the season finale of Canada’s gay hockey sensation Heated Rivalry lined up perfectly with my glut of plan-free post-holiday TV time.

So, where did the end of the season find Ilya, Shane, Scott, Kip, et cetera? Below, find absolutely every thought I had about Season 1, Episode 6 of Heated Rivalry, enticingly titled “The Cottage”:

1. God, I wish hockey was this gay in real life.
2. Actually, hold on now…
3. Scott is MVP!
4. François Arnaud really is handsome as hell.
5. Where do I know him from besides this?
6. Oh, right, The Borgias.
7. Bring that show back!
8. I need a handsome butch to drive me to a cottage, stat.
9. And if it were Zohran Mamdani’s newly appointed FDNY commissioner, I wouldn’t complain.
10. “…Groceries, so we don’t need to leave.” Hot!
11. OMG, I’m swooning at this cottage… and clearly Ilya is too.
12. “In case you’re…thirsty.” Hot, once more!
13. A two-week honesty pact? In modern dating? Good luck, besties.
14. Then again, I’d be honest for two weeks if someone would let me stay at that cottage.
15. I don’t even have to have sex in it! I just want to bird-watch from the floor-to-ceiling windows!
16. Fellas out in nature, grilling burgers and having sex…I love Canada.
17. Oop, depressing parental-lore reveal time.
18. Sorry to be such a real-estate-hungry bisexual, but this cottage looks even better at night.
19. Oh no, Ilya’s mom 🙁
20. Ilya looks extremely handsome upon waking, if I may.
21. So does Shane, but the light’s really finding Ilya in this moment.
22. “I like you.” “I like you too.” Crying!
23. Bro, don’t marry Svetlana (no disrespect to Svetlana).
24. I want Shane’s cute lil’ Montreal Metros long-sleeve.
25. I love the idea of this suicide-prevention charity 🙂
26. Especially if it lets Ilya and Shane be boyfriends!
27. They love each other!!!!!!!!!!!
28. I mean, duh, but still!!!!!!!!!!!
29. Sorry to be yet another woman frothing over the gay male body as depicted on Heated Rivalry, but these guys look really good in swim trunks.
30. I mean, they’re pro athletes, so I guess it’s a bit of a “fork found in kitchen” situation (as my Vogue colleague Hannah Jackson likes to say), but still.
31. Eek, Shane’s dad!
32. All dads: Be cool, for once in your life.
33. You know what? Shane’s dad (and his mom) are actually being kind of cool, so I’m eating my words.
34. Not the feet touching in expensive sneakers and boat shoes!
35. I assume the boat shoes are on Shane and the sneakers are on Ilya, but maybe they’re shoe-verse.
36. Okay, crying again at this touching moment with Shane’s (hot, it should be said) mom.
37. Boys, if the legacy of Dana Fairbanks on The L Word has taught us anything—also, that one episode of I Love LA—it’s that brands love gay (or did, before…you know, now). Your sponsorships are going to be just fine!
38. Boyfriends 🙂
39. Back to the cottage for the boys, and back to the start of Season 1 for moi!