75 Thoughts I Had While Rewatching Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell in ‘Overboard‘

Without further ado, here’s literally every thought I had while rewatching Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell in the original Overboard (a.k.a. decidedly not the mid 2018 remake).

1. God, opening-credit fonts in movies used to be so cool.
2. The people yearn for ’80s graphic design!
3. Will I ever see ducks onscreen without thinking about Tony Soprano in his robe and boxers?
4. “Should I buy a yacht?” I muse as I Klarna my groceries.
5. I need to attend the Tillamook Country Crab Feed, stat.
6. God, only Goldie Hawn could make calling this beautiful watery scene a “cesspool by the sea” charming.
7. You don’t hear guys calling their significant others “diddums” so much anymore.
8. Ditto men shooting skeet.
9. Or do they still? Honestly, I don’t know what men do.
10. Holy shit, this feathered hair on Kurt!
11. DOUBLE holy shit, this high-cut white bathing suit and glittery cover-up on Goldie!
12. I don’t smoke, but maybe I still need an extra-long cigarette holder.
13. Should I decorate my new apartment exactly like Goldie’s boat?
14. Kate Hudson really copy-pasted her mother’s face, which I find adorable.
15. “Caviar should be round and hard and of adequate size, and it should burst in your mouth at precisely the right moment.” Tea.
16. I hope I get to say “Bid one million, seven hundred thousand” to someone in an imperious tone of voice someday.
17. Oh my God, I need Goldie’s red pointy sunglasses.
18. And these glittery winged ones!
19. I burn, I pine, I perish!
20. Why did guys wearing tank tops that fully exposed their nipples fall out of style?
21. Maybe because only Kurt Russell could pull it off.
22. I know I’m not supposed to root for Goldie, but…hell yeah, girl, push him the hell off that boat.
23. Why didn’t I name my crusty little white dog Shiitake?
24. “Darling, if you have a baby, you won’t be the baby anymore.” Truly the central paradox of my ongoing fertility musings.
25. “Are you going to bring me my lemon, or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?” LOL.
26. My God, four sons. The humanity.
27. Did Goldie Hawn single-handedly invent the statement scrunchie?
28. With a matching silver robe, no less!
29. Love this imperiousness aimed at doctors from a hospital bed.
30. Also, how is Goldie’s hair perfect after her amnesia-inducing fall from a boat?
31. Also…sorry, if she has amnesia, how is she still a bitch?
32. I mean, I’m no neuroscientist, but wouldn’t she forget all of her traits and mannerisms in addition to her identity?
33. Nobody does a Canadian tuxedo like Kurt.
34. Can’t say I love this gross “nice panties” scene with the cop.
35. ACAB, baby!
36. Wow, they were really just letting any random man claim any brain-damaged woman from the hospital in the ’80s.
37. “He could be some stranger on the street!” Good instincts, Goldie.
38. Is “Goober, Idaho” a real place?”
39. God, I forgot how insanely creepy the plot of this movie is.
40. Tricking a woman with a head injury…good times!
41. Amazing delivery of the line, “I just ate a bug.”
42. Bro, if you sprung me from the hospital and told me my new job was to take care of four insanely loud young blond boys, I’d just…run into the night.
43. Why did all tween boys (including my cousins) have mullets in the late ’80s?
44. This gingham dress is very Batsheva on Goldie.
45. “A falsetto child?”
46. I am LOLing.
47. Okay, not to be a triggered lib, but I’m fast-forwarding through this creepy sex scene.
48. Aw, dream-Goldie’s back in one of her insanely good outfits!
49. Using a blow dryer to defrost a freezer…genuinely inspired.
50. Aw, I like these dirtbag dogs.
51. I don’t hate the beat-up aqua truck, either.
52. “Tofutti Klein” needs to be my new alias.
53. What, you don’t have a go-to alias to bust out in emergencies?
54. This white T-shirt and denim flounce skirt is country-chic perfection.
55. Very Carrie Bradshaw in Suffern.
56. So weird that women don’t like being abducted from the hospital and forced into domestic servitude, Kurt!
57. God, these kids suck.
58. Go off against standardized testing, Goldie!
59. Aw, she’s starting to like the fellas against her will 🙂
60. Romance is beginning to brew!
61. Camping with five males still sounds awful to me, but if it makes Goldie happy now for some reason, great.
62. Even Goldie’s hair is settling into her new life. How sweet.
63. “Sometimes moms leave.” 🙁
64. Oh, it is so on between Goldie and Kurt.
65. No wonder their onscreen chemistry is so real!
66. “Shirtless in jeans”: another strong look for Kurt.
67. I’m officially at the age where an in-unit washer for my apartment would also make me emotional.
68. Throw in a dryer, too, and I’m crying.
69. Should I get my dog a fanciful little hat with a veil?
70. Holy shit, is Goldie’s rich husband…the grandpa from Gilmore Girls?
71. Welp, the secret is out.
72. All thanks to a pair of monogrammed underwear.
73. Chekhov’s panties, if you will.
74. Aw, Goldie’s memory is back, but now she’s choosing to have a shitty life!
75. …with a hot man, at least.