We put these people on a pedestal—one that is usually far higher than wherever we’ve placed our ex to rest, alongside any lingering resentment and pain. Up top, it’s mostly a perpetual ricochet between hatred and worship, intense feelings based on little else besides our imaginations. Everyone knows social media isn’t an accurate depiction of a person, and yet we find transcendental meaning in it all.
“A break-up doesn’t just end a relationship, it often disrupts our sense of identity,” explains psychologist Rina Bajaj. “This is especially true if you have an anxious attachment style, where losing connection feels like danger. So when your ex moves on, your brain starts scrambling for answers, reassurance, or control.”
The compulsion to compare is also human nature—particularly in this context. “But thanks to the internet, you’re comparing yourself to someone’s highlight reel. That can quickly spiral into ‘they’re prettier,’ ‘they’re more successful,’ and suddenly, you’re not just mourning the relationship, you’re questioning your own worth.”
Such thinking doesn’t always stop with an ex’s new partner, either. “I used to secretly watch old videos on my boyfriend’s laptop of him and his ex from when they’d traveled around Australia together for a year,” says Michelle*, 32. “Whenever they were interacting in the videos and you could see them both, I’d put them in slow motion, or pause to analyze their body language to see if they seemed more ‘in love’ than my boyfriend and I. I’d also replay parts where she was speaking over and over again. She was French and I’d become obsessed with her accent. Is her voice more sexy than mine? Is she more intelligent than me?” This was five years ago. “But I can still replay all those moments in the videos verbatim in my mind. I probably remember their year abroad together better than they do.”
In the end, Michelle was found out and her boyfriend proceeded to chastise her for being nosy. “I just sat there like a naughty child and accepted it,” she recalls. “But secretly I remember thinking: It was worth it.”
It’s easy to see how this behavior could affect women more powerfully. Internalized misogyny pits us against one another, so having an actual “replacement” in your mind to compete against can be a recipe for psychological disaster. “Your brain may default to ‘she won, I lost,’ as if love were some kind of reality-show elimination round,” explains Dr. Bajaj. “Internalized misogyny teaches women to see each other as threats instead of allies. It says your value depends on being chosen. And even if you don’t believe that consciously, the pattern can show up in sneaky ways, such as comparison, envy, or even shame.”
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