Though limerence—a.k.a. obsessive longing—has become a sort of buzzword recently, it’s actually a pretty well-worn concept; there are endless literary examples of weepy protagonists investing way too much in their would-be significant other, from Romeo Montague to Goethe’s sorrowful young Werther. (And, of course, on the rom-com side of things, there’s Annie Reed from Sleepless in Seattle and Lara Jean Covey from To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before…)
But what is limerence all about, really? Below, its full definition and a guide to how it can affect relationships.
What is the psychological definition of limerence?
“Limerence is a psychological state of intense and obsessive infatuation with another person,” explains psychotherapist Lucas Saiter, founder of Manhattan Therapy NYC. While the state of falling in love or lust is often predicated on those feelings being reciprocated by a partner, limerence is specifically based on uncertainty about the object of your affections (a.k.a. your “limerent object”) returning your ardor.
Also, limerence isn’t just a little crush—it’s all-consuming. “It’s marked by intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, and a craving for reciprocation. It’s a near-compulsive cognitive and emotional fixation on a person who may or may not return the same level of interest,” Saiter says.
Where does the term limerence come from?
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who coined the term in her 1979 book Love and Limerence, described the concept as follows: “I don’t direct this thing, this attraction, to Emily. It directs me. I try desperately to argue with it, to limit its influence, to channel it (into sex, for example), to deny it, to enjoy it and, yes, dammit, to make her respond! Even though I know that Emily and I have absolutely no chance of making a life together, the thought of her is an obsession. I am in the position of passionately wanting someone I don’t want at all and could find no use for if I had her.”
According to Saiter, Tenov created the term in order to describe a specific and universal experience of romantic obsession that didn’t fit within existing clinical definitions of love or desire. Tenov also noted that limerence can affect anyone, regardless of gender, age, ethnicity, background, or any other trait.
How do you know if you’re in limerence?
As a state of mind, limerence can be characterized by irrational or intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, uncertainty and fear of rejection. “If you’re in limerence, you might feel euphoric when interactions go well, devastated when they don’t, and aware of the other person’s behaviors, words, and moods,” says Saiter. “Your thoughts may be obsessive, and your self-worth can feel connected to their response. It’s often less about who the person is and more about how they make you feel.”
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